2015 has come to a close and we are on the brink of a whole new year.
Many of us will go into this new year full of aspirations. Some will make resolutions to be better, thinner, kinder. Some will not.
Most years, I spend the time leading up to New Year thinking about what is to come and what I want to change. I am often hoping for more of the good and less of the struggle in the days ahead and I am, in many ways determined to make this happen.
But usually about 10 days in, I falter. I reach for the sugar, skip the gym, take 5 on my meditation practice or miss a day of whatever it was I committed to do. My resolve begins to weaken and I start to give a few less fucks about making this new year the year to remember.
I settle back into my comfy pants, take a deep breath and think, fuck it.
This dance makes me tired, even just thinking about it. I have done this dance for years. Commitments to self-improvement, ambitious life-changing plans. I am full of optimism every time. But every time, I fall on my face, straight into the dirt of mediocrity.
So this year my only resolution is that I’m not making any damn resolutions.
This year, I don’t want to set out a 10 step plan for how I will make myself into a better human. I won’t start a diet, a workout plan, a meditation practice or a gratitude journal. I don’t want to resolve to be more, to try harder. I am tapping out.
For me, the problem with self-improvement is that I entertain the idea that this will new thing will make me enough.
If I can just lose the weight, if I can learn to get a grip on my reactivity, if I can be kinder, more patient, more compassionate, more, more, more. Maybe, just maybe I will reach that ephemeral place of ‘good enough’. Everyone around me will pat me on the back and say well done and I’ll feel good.
But it’s a dance with the devil and I’m done.
For me, 2016 is going to be about saying enough. My resolution is to stop trying so hard, to step into what is and to learn how to dance with good enough.
My inner critic is losing it right now, even as these words touch the screen. She is currently panicking at the idea of embracing good enough, scratching at the walls and trying to warn me of the abyss of self-destruction I will fall into if I choose to go this way. She needs to shut the fuck up.
Don’t get me wrong, having goals and chasing after them is a good thing. Wanting to be kinder is a good thing. Getting healthy, good. Meditation, practicing gratitude, all good. Making that the litmus test, the mark of enough, not good.
The story in my head goes like this. You are not good enough Shannon, not good enough at all. You have never been good enough, that’s why you struggle. If you could just get a grip on these few things, you would be easier to love. Right now, you are not easy to love. So get in control of your eating, get your ass to the gym, figure out why you get triggered so easily and sort that shit out. If you can do that, if you can really do that, you might just be enough.
Fuck that story. What a shitty story.
You and me friend, if we are not enough in our brokenness, we will never be enough in our wholeness. We are enough simply because we are and anyone who says differenty is an asshole. Before you accomplish anything, before you compare your workout routine to hers, the size of your ass to hers, you are enough. I say it to you because it’s so fucking scary to say to myself. I wrote a post a few weeks ago about [doing the best we can], the idea pisses me off because I am so afraid to JUST BE THIS.
But friends, it’s all been a sick joke. There is no litmus test, there is no exam you have to pass. You just get to do the best you can and wake up to face another day. No one is watching you, taking notes on your every move. No one is checking your progress, increasing your worth with each day you are successful.
You have always been enough. I have always been enough. This is enough.
Here’s to a New Year. Here’s to letting go. Here’s to a bit more space between each breath.
Here’s to good enough, here’s to being enough. 2016, let’s do this.