I have a tendency toward self-analysis. I am drawn to self-help books. I love a good quote about the meaning of life and I am always describing “where I am right now”, or how I am journeying through one thing or another.
There are reasons for this behaviour. I have analysed myself enough to have a sense of what my self-analysis is born out of. 😉 But that’s not what’s interesting or important today. Today is about letting go, today is about stepping in, today is about uncertainty, and not knowing and the goodness of joy.
In 3 weeks I will get married, to an amazing, kind, generous man with a bit of a weird sense of humour, who I love immensely. As I am sure you can imagine, getting married has ramped up my self-analysis to almost unbearably high levels. I have pulled apart, looked within, read books, listened to opinions, all in pursuit of that feeling of definite confidence. Certainty that this will work, that it won’t hurt in the end, that it is, in fact, a good decision.
That certainty has not come, and yet, in 3 weeks I will get married, that much I know. I have done myself a disservice with all the overthinking and analyzing, I have pulled apart instead of diving in, I have nitpicked instead of letting go.
So I say now that it’s enough! I am on sabbatical from analysis of self and analysis of my relationship. I am diving into all the wonder, the joy, the potential heartache, the fear and the uncertainty. I will walk down that aisle toward this man knowing that it is entirely possible that we will desperately hurt each other in the future. I will take his hands in mine and put a ring on his finger, making promises, I can only hope that I will have the strength to keep. I will sign papers that bind my life to his, with only trust that we will be as good to each other as we promise. Of course, there is nervousness in taking this step. But at the exact same time, I will let myself experience the wildness of joy that is bursting out from under my chest. I will be free to dance, to shout, to jump up and down because damn it, I am getting married! To an amazing man, who wants to love me for the rest of my life. I will savour the joy of my good fortune, of how truly blessed I am and of all the good things that will come to us as we build our lives together. I will step in to all of it, giving myself to love him, to build a life with him, to be his biggest fan and above all, to trust him. Even though he is not perfect and neither am I, even with all the risk and fear, I will jump, in faith and with tremendous joy. It’s time to choose the front row, the ride is too good to miss 🙂